It’s time to go…

Not too far and not for too long.

I’ll be back!

It’s already been nearly 8 months since he’s been gone.

I need to clear my head and find a way to mend my broken heart.

My insides feel shattered in a million pieces.

I’m wrecked.

My life shared with this sweet man has been since 1979.

Forty two years is a really long time to be with the same person from morning til night until morning again.

I finally understand how spouses die from a broken heart soon after losing their true love.

I had heard of this and I didn’t understand how that could actually happen but now I understand.

The sadness and sorrow can make one quite literally wither away.

Please don’t let my words scare you, It’s not my intent to cause worry.

Jesus will help me through this. He always has and He always will.

I will be ok!

I won’t drive to fast, jump too high, or dive too deep.

I will be smart and I’ll be safe.

I have to!

I am a Tutu to seven grandchildren.

I know that I am a very important person to these incredibly tiny humans. And big humans too.

I am in search of finding myself again.

I want to remember who I am now without my beloved husband by my side.

I don’t quite know where to go and I don’t think it much matters.

I’m just gonna drive and sing, cry, write and pray.

But probably not in that order.

I just feel so lost right now without him.

He was and always will be my only true love.

It feels like I need to retrace all of my steps with him

Our course from our life together.

Four decades worth of steps is a long time to walk with the same person.

We weren’t just married. We were in love.

And not perfect love - Just an honest love.

We went through it all. Together.

In some respect we went to hell and back, alone and then together.

We saw the good the bad and the ugly. Together.

We finished each others sentences.

He knew my favorite foods and I knew his.

He would often and unexpectedly call me beautiful, and I heard the words “I love you” several times a day, especially at the end of every phone call.

He carried my groceries for me and always opened my door.

He was a perfect gentleman.

I had no idea how much I would miss the little things that he did.

I’m so lonely without him.

We talked about everything all the time. Everyday. All day.

From morning til night we were always connecting.

My days are oddly quiet now.

I live a lot of life in my head instead of out loud.

Driving in my car for a really long time feels like the right thing to do.

The sane thing to do.

I’ve decided to keep my memories alive by starting on a personal journey. It all starts on Insley street in southeast Portland, next will be Visalia, then Sacramento to Long Beach. Then finally Seal beach where we spent many weekends walking along the pier holding hands like kids.

Because we were kids.

I will journal all along the way.

I promise.

And then-I’ll come home.

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Annette Cardoza

Annette Cardoza

I was a hospice nurse and transitioning into procuring plants. I no longer care for the sick. I’m now taking care of me. Learning to live amongst the living.