Is everything I do wrong?

Hmmm. Well, not exactly. Not everything anyway. It might feel like it sometimes, but it’s definitely not the reality of it.

I suppose at this point, it’s either all in my head or it could be partially correct.

As I ponder this concept, so many things come into my mind.

When I am by myself I definitely don’t feel this way at all. I am generally feeling pretty confident and carefree when I am on my own. On the other hand, when I am with different groups of people I may or may not feel this way.

In reality, I might not be doing it wrong in my own opinion, but according to others standards, it’s wrong.

The ironic part of this is many years ago when my husband and I were young and newly married, he would always tell me that he often felt he was doing things ‘wrong’ when he was with me. But then he said he felt this way when he was alone too.

So what is this about?

I didn’t completely understand this at the time, and why would I if I thought my way was always right and his ways were wrong. However, I now know that in many ways, I was in fact the cause of him feeling that way because I actually did think he was doing things wrong. And I would tell him that.

So then it must be wrong. Right? Wrong.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The simple fact that we did things differently or thought about things differently wasn’t necessarily a wrong or right thing, it was that we are different people and we come from very different backgrounds and upbringings, therefore we think differently.

The way he did things was often very different than the way I did things. Ranging anywhere from putting the toilet paper on the holder forward or backward. Or, thinking about something in an entirely different way than I would. I remember a few times him saying, “ I feel like if we both did things your way it would all be good.” And even though he might say this to me, deep down I knew he actually believed this.

I hadn’t usually been the one to know this type of thinking. I wasn’t generally the one feeling wrong, I was usually the one thinking everyone else was wrong.

There is always an important aspect to this concept, it’s the way in which we all grew up. Our influences and what we were taught or not taught, shown or not shown. I recently learned that children innately think that their parents are perfect. Regardless of the parental behavior, good or bad, it doesn’t matter, it’s just how children are made. Therefore, if something is wrong, the child naturally believes it is their own fault. Ken would often share with me that when he was a child he was usually told or shown that his way was wrong. How do we show this? Simple, one way we show a child that their way is wrong is by doing things for them. When we take away their abilities to do things for themselves we are sending them the message that we don’t believe they are capable of doing it themself. Basically we are telling them we don’t believe in them. It’s a powerful message we send our children.

He said that later in life he realized there was always an underlying script recycling in his brain over and over and it was the message that “He was inadequate.” We will usually live out whatever messages are been stored in our head.

Since my husband has been gone I have gradually been looking through his things. I recently found his art boxes in the garage with some of his sketch pads and drawings. In one box I found something dated many years ago that he had written boldly on a piece of paper, it was the words, ‘I AM ADEQUATE.’ The beautiful thing about my husband is that he rarely ‘blamed’ things on others. He always took responsibility for all his own feelings. He owned them. The one problem is that he often took on more than his share. In other words, he carried others inadequacies as his own.

Shame will do this.

Am I not enough? I’ve given all that I have and more. Now I’m even taking on your pain. Sound like a boundary problem? That’s because it is.

We all have a lot of work to do if we want to grow into a better version of ourselves. Be patient with yourself as you slowly continue to dissect parts of you. Give yourself lots of grace. If you give yourself grace then you will be much more capable of giving grace to others.

Thank yourself for even being willing to go to those places of vulnerability. Honestly, most people will just choose to live ‘As Is’ their whole life long. I’m 61 years old and I hope that I will never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop dissecting.

I believe one of the hardest parts of growing is being vulnerable, being willing to be fillet open like a fresh halibut at the fish market. But if you have ever eaten one of those delicious fresh halibuts then you realize that some things take time. And it’s worth it. But worth it for who? You? Yes. Even more importantly, it’s important for those watching us, learning from us, those growing under us and with us. It’s our children, our grandchildren, it’s ultimately for them. And in the long run

We all win.